A Non-Understander and Why I Love School

I've seen this picture floating around Pinterest before and it really stuck with me today. I was thinking about what it must be like to be a SAHM (Stay at Home Mom).  I've recently gotten a job working in a daycare center and am enjoying it. I have spent some time in the infant rooms, which are a lot of work. We have to check their diapers once an hour, and feed them every 2 hours.  The ratio we can have in a room is 4 infants to 1 provider. Imagine one person taking care of 4 babies. So in theory, we could have up to 8 infants and 2 caregivers in a room.

So, I guess my question is, what do Stay At Home Mom's do all day? I understand that taking care of small children is incredibly difficult and you do have one of the most important jobs in the world, being a Mom. I completely understand that. It's just on the outside, us "Non-Understanders" don't get it.  I change diapers, wipe noses, engage in tummy time, feed, wash hands, give hugs/comfort and help babies learn for a living. Yes, it is difficult. We do it with multiple infants in a room. It seems like to us 'Non-Understanders" that if you have an organized system worked out, then it should flow easily. The same schedule every day. Educational and interesting toys for children to explore and grow with. Naps. Bouncers. Pack and Plays. We simply don't get it. It seems to us on the outside that it should be possible to get things done around the house, even with children. The rest of us work for a living, and also take care of the house, schedule appointments and deal with people coming to the house to fix things. We have the added bonus of working with a divergent group of people whom we don't always agree with. You have to bear with us because if you aren't a SAHM,  just don't know. It's same type of argument as :if you aren't a Mom, you just don't understand or :If you are not military spouse, then you just don't understand.

No one dares criticize the doctors and scientists out there, because we know their job is difficult. But we really have no frame of reference for the things they do while at work, and they have no frame for what SAHM's do either. I was thinking about the blog post as I was fixing dinner and it occurred to me that I wouldn't want anyone to tell me their job was "so much more difficult than mine". And unfortunately, I did it earlier tonite on my facebook status so I do apologize. I think the bottom line is that no one wants to feel like the work they do has no value, which is how SAHM's are made to feel.

I think that if you want to be a Stay at Home Mom, more power to you and I'm going to try and understand where you are coming from. But I also would appreciate the same courtesy from you. I will try and put myself in your shoes and maybe you could do the same. Living is hard. ;)

 Now for me personally, I've never really had any desire to be a SAHM. I worked  hard to earn my degree and want to use it to it's fullest advantage. If I do ever have children, I do think it is important for me to work to be able to afford all the nice things that I do want them to have. Vacations? Heck yeah! But we have to be able to pay for it somehow, and me working only makes sense. Lovely educational toys and a beautiful nursery to grow in? Heck yeah! But we have to be able to pay for it somehow.  I may change my tune eventually if I ever do have children, so don't hold me to this.

As an Army spouse, if I do have children, I will end up putting my children in an Army Child Development Center. These places are awesome. They use only educational toys, require additional training for all employees, are structured, promote 'self-help' skills and teach kids how to interact with others in a social way. They provide opportunities that I myself might not able to provide for them if I stayed home (socialization, sharing and an abundance of toys). If you couldn't tell, I'm a huge proponent of a Child Development Center structure. During my day, we teach kids how to share and how to use manners. We encourage creativity and yet the discipline of cleaning up their messes. We use positive guidance, which BTW, is a great parenting technique (in my humble opinion).

I'm a huge proponent of a "school setting" and I think that daycare really has changed over the years, and has adapted to the changing times. It used to be that Mom's could stay at home with their children, but children still learned all those things mentioned above. My theory is that parents used to have more children than they do now, which in itself fosters a creative use of resources, self-help skills and socialization. Also, kids could play outside and with friends way more than they can now, also helping social skills. Society has just changed. It's not as easy for kids to be outside and independent as it used to be. In a way, a Child Development Center is the new take on the old style of parenting.

All in all, we should take a walk in someone else's shoes before we pass judgement on them. Everyone's job has value, even though it is a different type of value to every person. :)











Trying to be more understanding,

J

What's in a Name?

This post is meant to be fun and semi-informational. ;)


I've been kind of a know-it-all in the past, and I'm really trying to work on that. These are just my opinions, backed by my expansive experience in child care/ child dealings.  I'm basing most of this on my experience. :)

So, I'm totally on Pinterest, and because I haven't been working, I've been on there quite frequently this past month. I came across and pinned this picture, just because it really amused me, but it really got me thinking, err, ranting in my mind.




It's kind ironic because I'm the late bloomer of the group. Most of my friend's and family members have children. I'm actually kind of nervous because I don't want people to think that I'm stealing their baby names after that fact. I'm nervous too because what if the good ones are "taken" and you use it anyway, and someone gets their feelings hurt because you named your baby what you wanted?

 If you aren't familiar with Pinterest, there is a place for commentary at the bottom, which is totally pointless in my opinion. The picture had either shown up on Pinterest's "newsfeed" or in the popular section where I normally browse and many had commenting about how someone had stolen 'their' baby name. Makes me think about that Sex and the City episode about Charlotte, who wasn't even married at the time, had her secret baby name and the girls were going to a baby shower and the new mom took Charlotte's baby name. Anyway, it just really got me thinking about names.

I think naming my possible, future children will be one of the hardest things I ever have to do. I am the worst with buyers remorse. Every time I go to the drive thru  window and order, I always regret it and wind up wanting something else. It's probably because I'm always torn between things I really like and wanting to do the right thing. I just know that I shouldn't name a baby before I see it. I'll come up with some great name and start calling it the name, and then it's born, and I'm like "I should have named you something else". What a pain.

I'm also funny about a first name "going with" a last name. I love the way C and K names sound, but I'm not sure I want a C or K with a K last name.  The name really has to flow.

Also, a lot of names are ruined for me.  Everyone goes thru this. There is that one person that you just could not stand way back in the day and that homewrecker stole my boyfriend, and etc etc. Yeah, I get it. The problem with me is that I used to be a teacher and my husband used to be a cop. I dealt with the same people day in and our and Hubby didn't really, but he's still pretty jaded on names. I won't stoop as low as to reveal the names that are totally ruined for me just in case that a. happens to be your name or b. you really do love that name.

I"m really picky as well. I don't particularly care for girl names that end in Y or have the EEE sound. Like Polly. You get what I'm saying right? That's just personal preference. I really don't like when girls have names that sound male. Like this whole Jessica Simpson mess. Bless that poor child. She AT LEAST has the benefit of everyone knowing that she is JS's daughter. But Jessica couldn't even give her daughter a girl middle name either. In case you didn't know, Jessica Simpson named her daughter "Maxwell Drew Johnson". You read that right, her daughter. That just really bothers me. You know why? Because I'll probably end up being the substitute teacher that has her one day, and has no clue who she is, and calls out "Mr. Johnson! Please sit down!". How embarrassing. For both of us.  I mean, how am I supposed to know that Maxwell is a girl?

I'm all about "artistic expression" and "to each his own" but I think naming babies has gotten way out of hand. Before you get all defensive of choice for your child, hear me out please. Let me preface some of this. I taught in a small high school for four years, where I knew every child and their name. After becoming a military wife, I decided that since we weren't going to be at this duty station for very long, that I would substitute teach. Fine. Have you ever substitute taught? It is difficult. You go into a classroom of 30 souls that you most likely have no idea a. what their names are b. how to pronounce said names c. and what makes them tick.

 I once had a Breanna and a Breanna. What's the difference you might be thinking to yourself. Well, it doesn't look like much, but one is pronounced "Bre-ANNA and one is pronounced Bre-AHH-NA.  Here is the exact conversation:
Me: BreANNA are you here?
B1: Yes, but it's pronounced BRE--AHH-NA. Like, duh!
Me: Okay, sorry BRE-AHH-NA, you are here.
Me: Next, is the other BRE-AHH-NA here?
B2: No, I'm not here, because it's pronounced Bre-ANNA.
Me: Oh lordy.

I mean seriously, how was I supposed to know the difference?  I try to be very cognizant of saying people's names correctly, but there are some doozies out there. I once had someone whose name looked something like "Tsukinati". I had no idea how to pronounce this poor person's name. The worst part was that they were totally pissed off that I had no clue how to say their name. Like, I'm a mind reader. Another instance, was pretty comical at the time. Mom had been watching Maury (and I'm sure she will be embarrassed when I post this post, that she was caught watching Maury) but the person in question's name was "Undra". Mom texted me and asked me if Undra was a boy or a girl. After some debate, I figured out this was a "Who's the Father?" show and it must be pronounced "UHN-dre", hence force, a male. It was comical at the time but currently begs a point.

Another problem I have is when people want to be "unique" and spell their child's name "uniquely". Take for example the name Mike. Say it out loud even. It's a great name. But when you  meet someone for the first time and they introduce themselves as "Mike" , it's very easy to assume that it's spelled that way. Sometimes it's not. They may spell it "Myke".  Little kids are the worst about this, thru no fault of their own. You ask them their name, and you go to write it on the board and they reply indignantly "that's not how to spell it!". It's very difficult to explain to a child about something called "common spellings" and that their name is spelled differently than you are used to.  Trust me, it doesn't turn out well. I honestly feel bad for people named McKenzie, because there are 26 different ways to spell it.

I also have a problem with names that are unisex. I once had a Taylor Morgan.  I literally, had no idea if this was a male or a female. I can usually guess pretty accurately, and perhaps look at a female/male to possibly see if I guessed the right person, but I had no idea. If you go the unisex route, please at least give them a distinct middle name. I also worry about boy names are that effeminate. I'm really drawn to masculine names. Call me old-fashioned.

 I also hate when you loved a name first, and then someone on tv or the movies uses it and now everyone and their sister has named the baby this. Goodbye Aiden, Jacob, Grace and Elizabeth. We had some good times together in my head, but I don't want anything to think I've "stolen" their baby name or named you after Twilight.

I know that parents are trying to be "cute" and have something "meaningful" when naming a child, but please, I implore you, be reasonable.  Especially with small children, you, them and all of their family may know how to spell and say their names, but not everyone else in the world is going to know it or respect it's sanctity. This often leads to embarrassment and just general awkwardness.

I may have to stick with Jane and John for my future, possible children.

I luckily can say that I am still happy with the names I chose for my pets. Truman is 6 and yes, she is a girl with a unisex name, but she is also a cat. She is not a person. and I was 22. Truman fits my spunky little Tabby. I still love Teddy, even typing it still looks freaking adorable to me, and I love when other people say Teddy. I suggested and Shane had final say on Dixie and it still looks good on her. Maybe I will be alright naming my possible, future children....


Keeping Mum on Any Names,

J

Pet Peeves, Part Deux

A word of warning...this blog post may offend you. If you are offended easily, get off the internet. ;)

I've already posted one time about a list of my "pregnancy pet peeves". I may be espescially susceptible to an angry post tonight. We are staying in a hotel in Colorado, so we can go to a wedding tomorrow, and the people on the floor on top of us have been stomping around their room since we checked in (which was at 6 pm and now it's 9 pm). I may or may not be extra sensitive right now.

Anyway,  there are the standard things that really grate on my nerves about pregnancy and infertility. I"m sure i''m not the only one who has these thoughts. My earlier list included statements such as "so when are you going to have children?", "it's all in His timing" and baby on board stickers. I'm updating a list to include "people who are disappointed in the gender of their baby".

This all got started the other day when I opened up our homepage, which was Yahoo, and there is a coverstory about Snooki. If you don't know who Snooki is, she's the pint-size Jersey Shore brat that fights a lot and is as tan as an Oompa Loompa. The article details how Snooki is pregant and how she was "Initally Disappointed Over Baby's Sex". I seriously wanted to gag myself with a spoon after I begrudgingly read the article. Here is a link to the article on Yahoo....Snooki Disappointed Over Baby's Sex

Now, I do understand that people are only human. I will be the first to admit that I have dreams of 3  children. 2 girls, close in age, and an adorable little brother to follow a couple years later. Think of the Middletons. What an adorable and precious family. Who wouldn't something like that?  It just really bothers me when people announce which sex they want their baby to be. Of course, we all are supposed to feel a little guilty when it's the opposite, but I secretly (or not so secretly anymore) don't feel bad. I personally feel bad for the poor child, because i'm not sure about other people, but I have a knack for remembering that you wanted your little girl to be a boy or vice versa. I'm just warning you, there are probably others out there that remember too. And everytime we look at your beautiful child, we know that you wanted him/her to be a her/him. Now, if you kept that information to yourself, more power to you. I just feel bad for the kid who didn't turn out the way that you intitally thought you wanted. Naturally, every parents says they will love their child no matter what sex it is, and I wholeheartedly believe that. When you give birth, there are a flood of bonding hormones that go into your system and helps that process to happen. I get it. I know that you don't love your him/her any less. I'm just saying that it really annoys a person who suffers from infertility.

I"m not trying to call anyone out on past or future behavior, except for maybe Snooki. I think as a public figure, she sets the bar for appropriate behavior. I kind of what to tell people who are rooting for it to be one sex or the other to be glad they have a baby in the first  place. Kind of like on A Christmas Story and the Mom tells Randy to eat all of his food on his plate, because think of all the starving children in Africa who don't have food. Well, same principle. I would love to not have Unexplained Infertility. I would to have a baby, no matter what, and not complain that it wasn't the way I wanted it to be.

If  you are pregnant, or planning on becoming pregnant, and are reading this, just be aware of things you say. I'm not implying that you should have to censor everything that you want to say. I'm just trying to explain that it seems like you might be complaining about getting one awesome present, while like Charlie Brown, " I got a rock".



Still feeling perturbed by the Elephants upstairs,

Mrs. K

Sacrifice

I"m sorry I haven't been able to post in a long time. We've moved 1000 miles from our other duty station and we bought a house in the process, so I have been trying to get everything straightened out on this end and have been looking for a job like a man woman as well.

Don't take my "blog silence" as there being any news to report, there isn't. :(

Anyway....

Now that flight school is over, I thought it would be a perfect time to get back into the baby frame of mind. After all, our original plan was to maybe wait until after flight school was finished and blah blah blah. Well, it seems like there is always something in the way to my plans. I"m trying really hard to be patient and trust in God's plan for me, but it is increasingly difficult. We have this brand new, beautiful house and now seems like the perfect time to fill it up, but God has something else in my path.

After getting somewhat settled into our new house, I received a call out of the blue from Be The Match, a bone marrow registry. Let me back track here a second. Back in 2009, when I was still teaching in Georgia, we had a bone marrow registry drive for a fellow teacher who was battling adult leukemia. A bunch of us took the swabs in the cheek, so we could see if we were close match for genetic markers. Unfortunately,  no match was found and she subsequently passed away. Fast forward a couple of years,and I get a called from Laurie, coordinator for the southern region for Be The Match. Evidently my cheek swab has come back as a preliminary match  for a little 9 year old boy who is battling leukemia. See, you can only find out the gender, age and affliction for the person, nothing else. I took the health survey and we determined I was in excellent health. We scheduled an appointment for me to go and have my blood drawn to see if my bone marrow or blood stem sells were a match for this little boy. Of course it came out on the survey that I had taken Clomid, but almost luckily, I haven't taken the dosage in a couple of months. If it turns out that I am a match for the boy, I obviously can't take any more perscription drugs or even be pregnant.  I had my blood taken a couple of days ago, and BTM will contact me somewhere within 2-12 weeks.

This is such a huge decision to make. It means potential pain, and waiting even longer. But it also means that I might be able to save a little boy's life in the mean time. It's just such timing, because right before we left Alabama, I decided that I was going to be a little bit more selfish. It feels like I am constantly doing things for others, or going with whatever someone else wants to do. Even if I don't want to do something, I usually do it because "it's the right thing to do" and 'that's how I want to be treated". And you know what, at the first opportunity I get, i'm back to trying to do the right thing for everyone else but myself. It's like my "intentional rude switch" is broken.(I"m never INTENTIONALLY rude/mean to someone, most of the time if I am, it's because i'm awkward). I thought about all the people that I knew that wouldn't be able to donate even if they wanted to, because of their health, or people who were on any kind of perscription drugs.

I came out of the lab after my blood was drawn  praying. I prayed that if I couldn't have what I wanted, then please, let someone else have what they needed. This little boy, who is battling leukemia, needs bone marrow, so he can have the opportunity to do, well anything he wants. I am praying that we are a match, and I can donate to him.  There have been so many people that I have known about recently who have been afflicted with various illlnesses and it makes me so sad.  I have been praying for health and the healing power that Jesus brings to people. I think about what I would do if I lost one or both of my parents. I'm still young. I don't want to think about that. I would do anything in my very power to help one of them. I"m sure this little boys parents feel the same way. What if this mother was in the same situation as me and he was her "miracle" baby?  It just breaks my heart to think about what him and his family must be going through right now.

I guess it goes back to the cliche I live by "treat others how you would want to be treated". If I ever have a little boy, and he has leukemia, I would want someone to make a sacrifice on their part, to give him a chance to be healthy. Wouldn't you? I think it's greatly unfair to ask someone to make a sacrifice that you wouldn't do yourself.

I try not to ask this a lot, but since you have taken the time to read this, would you mind sending your positive thoughts and prayers this way that I am a match to this little boy? And, if it's not too much to ask, that I find out quickly, and I don't have to wait the whole 12 weeks?  I believe in the power of prayer, and my heart is heavy for someone I don't even know. I'm hoping that if I can't get what I want, then someone else can get what they need.

Don't worry, there will be more blog posts coming, because *hopefully* i'll be donating. :)  Thank you in advance friends.


Much Love,

J

Timing

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile...I have been super busy with life recently and ended up having to go out of town to look for a house for when we move soon.

Having a baby is all about having good timing. Let's just be honest.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. I also believe in God's timing. I have no reason to doubt it either. I have had my fair share of mountains to climb in the past, but I have always been made better for it. At the time, I maybe didn't understand why things happened the way they did, but after awhile, I am so glad that they did.

It may seem unfair that I haven't been able to have a baby right away. But honestly, I'm really glad it hasn't happened in the past two years. The past two years have been super stressful for our little family (me and Hubby) and i'm so glad that I didn't put any additional pressure on him. Wanting to have a baby and actually having one are so completely different. Wanting one can wait. A baby in the middle of flight school cannot wait.  Right now, I might not know the true reason why i'm infertile, but maybe in time I will come to understand.

This isn't to say that I haven't had my doubts. I used to wonder what could be better than having a baby (?!) A job? New friendships? Weekends of pure fun that I couldn't ever get back? Well, in short, yeah.  I wouldn't trade the past two years of experiences for anything. Because now, I know that I don't want to be a stay at home Mom. I know that I want to keep working, to be able to afford a college education for my baby, or vacations to Europe that will expand their horizons. I can't replace Courtney (my best friend). Now someone will throw me a baby shower (eventually of course, thanks in advance Court!) and will be there for the birth/baptism of my baby. I had so many fun weekends at places like Club LaVela in Panama City Beach, going to a wedding of a dear friend from high school and several nights of Walleyball. I probably wouldn't have been able to do all of those things if I had a baby. How much different my life would be.

Being infertile is all about perspective. It's easy to get overwhelmed and to see all the negative parts of infertility. You've got to keep it in perspective. There is not to say that I will always have infertility either. I must remind myself of that as well.

People seem to think that reminding someone who is in any type of distress that "everything happens for a reason" and "it's all in God's timing" is a good idea. When your in the middle of the storm, it's really hard advice to hear (literally and figuratively).  It just takes time to clear the debris from the storm. Now, I feel like I am more open to sitting down and figuring out the next steps.  

I

Regrets

re·gret

v. re·gret·ted, re·gret·ting, re·grets

v.tr.

1. To feel sorry, disappointed, or distressed about.

2. To remember with a feeling of loss or sorrow; mourn.

v.intr.

To feel regret.

n.

1. A sense of loss and longing for someone or something gone.

2. A feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different.

I've been thinking about my life's decisions a lot recently. Probably because I went to another baby shower the other day. These things always make me a little sad.  I think I was the only woman there that didn't have kids!  I love supporting my friends as they have their baby showers, but it gets more difficult every time i'm at one. I have no birth stories to compare. I have no funny anecdotes to share with others about the cute stuff that my kid did. I'm actually kind of sad that someone didn't ask me if I had kids myself. Maybe they figured out by my silence on the matter. If they had, I might have pulled out of my "Childless Not By Choice" one liners. Like, "nope! I"m having 'problems.' " Heh.  Probably would have been awkward. Oh well.

I always was proud of the decisions that I made regarding my life. I can't regret the decisions that I have made, because at the time, they were the right ones (and don't read more into that than there really is). When we lived in Georgia, I wasn't ready to have kids. Just wasn't. I had always thought that I would get married, wait an indeterminate a couple of years and then have kids when we were both ready.  Well, I have fulfilled that to myself. But after moving here, all of the sudden, I feel like I didn't make any of the right decisions about children.

Everyone here (at this Army post) has children. I didn't immediately fit into any particular group, because I wasn't a prime candidate for play dates and children's birthday parties. I started regretting the decisions I had made! Now, let me reassure you, we had decided that we were ready to have kids before we moved to Alabama. The dynamic of this Army post just seemed to exacerbate the feelings.

I guess it started when I went to the grocery store and told Hubby to pick out the milk with the longest due date. Whoops. It was truely a Freudian slip. I didn't even realize it had been in the back of my mind and biology was taking over. Then, Hubby got accepted into his program and we got a date for when he was leaving. It really wasn't even an option then either. Initially, we had decided that after flight school would be a good time. After all, a pregnant wife takes a lot of attention, and we thought it was smart to not add any kind of stress/pressure during flight school.  At the time, I was teaching high school. That's when the baby question started coming out. "Mrs K....when are you going to have a baby?"  I was not prepared to answer that question at the time, now I've had a lot of practice. Then, the "you better hurry up. Your old. Your baby is going to come out all old and wrinkly". Really people, i'm not THAT OLD.

I know that deep down there is no way that we could have had a baby in our situation. We both worked full time, him working Nights-- 6 pm to 6 am, on two off two every other weekend- in a 2 bedroom 1 bathroom house, with no garage.  I know that for us, it worked out the way it was supposed to. So why now, am I starting to regret the decisions I made? I guess I feel like i'm being punished because I chose to wait. Like back in school, when you had a substitute teacher for the day and a couple of people in the class were bad so the substitute wrote down the class was horrible and so you got in trouble too? What am I really regretting though? Is it really that I didn't have a baby earlier or is it: The attention lavished on you when pregnant through strangers and friends and baby showers? Fitting into a group so our kids could play together? Getting it over with before I get too old? (Are you noticing a trend with this whole 'old' thing?)  The incredible experience itself?

I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and I don't think that people are intentionally trying to make me feel bad for any decisions I made. I certainly don't want anyone reading this to feel bad about the decisions that THEY made, or decisions that were made for them. That is not my intention. I don't want to say that I have regrets about this whole no-baby sooner thing, and I am glad for the way my life has turned out.  Honestly, I think i'm the most scared that I will wake up one day and never have gotten around to having babies, regret the decisions that I am making now.


Not sorry,
J

Doubt

WARNING! THIS COULD CONTAIN MOVIE SPOILERS!!


I know it's not my place to really question why things happen they way they do. I have to let the chips fall where they may. There are some things that I have no control over.  This is hard for my control-freak self to accept. I like to know the who/what/where/when/why of things. But having a baby is different. Babies don't come with instruction books. We can't know when our special little bundle of job will come, or what experiences it will bring us.
Let's be honest here. I've let a lot of self-doubt come into play for the past 18, going on 19 months. I can't help but feel scared and admittedly, a little sorry for myself. I'm worried. I've come up with a multitude of reasons of why I might not be able to have my own baby. My friend Megan says it best. Here is a link to her blog, that I follow. I particularly like this post, and feel it relates to what I want to say.  What Has The World Come To?

What if the reason I can't have a baby is because I'll be a bad mother? What if I do have a baby, and they end up being a sociopath? What if the baby I have kills someone?  Now, before you start laughing your head off at my silliness, think about it. If someone could accurately tell you the future, and they told you that your child would intentionally kill someone at a certain point, what would you do? Is this God's way of making that decision for me?  What if people who can't have children, are just sparing the world from bringing to it a truly evil person? 

Before you write me off as a complete nincompoop, hear me out. There are mothers to be that  were worried that they would have an ugly baby. These babies turn out to be most beautiful babies I have ever seen. Other Mom's to be, wonder what kind of mother they will be.  They turn out to be wonderful mothers.  Others have distinct dreams and specific requests regarding gender of the child and atheletic talents.  Isn't this line of question the same as these mothers to be?  I was worried about airing out my "dirty laundry" of concerns about 'ugly' babies, but don't all people at some point in their reproductive lives have these types of feelings and doubts?  Seems like it to me. I feel that I have a legitimate right to wonder why I have infertility.

My Hubby is a very noble person.  He's the type of person who would give the shirt off his back to a person if they really needed it. We saw Act of Valor this weekend. If you are a military spouse, please be advised that this is a difficult movie to watch. I knew there were real Navy SEALS who were the actors in this movie and there would be a lot of action and possible death. Basically, there is a CIA agent who is captured during a mission and the SEALS are called in to rescue her, and in doing so, uncover a more malevolent and devious terror plot arranged by some extremists. Of course, the SEALS are not authorized to go home yet and must take down the extremists before they can harm any more citizens of the United States. Well, in the final battle scene, a grenade is thrown. The SEAL who spots it yells "grenade!" and he lays on the grenade before it blows up, killing himself and sparing his fellow SEALS.. This just so happens to be the SEAL who left a pregnant wife at home. Cue tears.

I know my husband would do the same for the guys who goes to combat with, I have no doubt about that. I have doubts about myself.  I like to think that i'm a "fall on my sword" type of person, one to take one for the team. Am I already taking one for the team by not having a potentially harmful child?  Maybe I watch too many crime shows. The families of the victims are always crying out for justice for their lost child. What if my child even unintentionally takes the life of another, either directly or indirectly. I'm not sure I could handle it. I still to this day cannot watch Bambi because I know it will make me cry (the Mother dies remember and Bambi witnesses it?!)  I can't help that I am tender-hearted.

I"m just trying to make sense of everything that has happened, or not happened in this case. Do you think my concerns are legitimate or laughable?


--J


    

Unfaithful

Google  "Bible verses about faith" and you get a whopping 59,900,000 results.  Google "Bible verses about infertility" and you get about 1,000,000. Big difference huh? I was somewhat expecting there to be zero matches, but hey, it's 2012 and everything is on the Internet now.  Being a bit of a gumshoe, I explored several of the websites that came up for both searches. The "Bible verses about faith"  websites were much more comforting and relevant than the "Bible verses about infertility" websites were.  

Throughout this 18-month journey, I've spent a lot of time thinking about my faith and my relationship with Jesus Christ. After a year of disappointments, I had the option to begin exploring the causes behind my infertility and possible treatments. Before and during the testing time, I felt still feel guilty about A. questioning when/if a pregnancy will happen for us, and B. my choice to engage in fertility medications and further testing.

As a practicing Christian, I feel like there are certain expectations of me. Being a faithful servant is one. In years of Sunday School, we are taught the basics like "love your neighbor as yourself", "ask and the door shall be opened unto you" and "remain ever faithful".  As we grow older and wiser, some of these become easier for us and others more difficult. Remaining faithful in tough times (particularly these) has been very difficult for me.  A common phrase that people give to women who want to have children (no matter where they are in their childbearing journey) is " Have faith. It will happen when it's time".  Easier said than done. I can talk the talk, but can I walk the walk? I'm afraid the answer is no. I lack the faith that I will ever be given the privilege of having children.

I guess the best way to say it, is that I feel like if I went through with the tests and the fertility meds, then I wasn't being a faithful servant or a good Christian role model. I didn't trust that everything would work out on it's own, without the aid of doctors and medications.  As Christians, aren't we supposed to always believe that God will take care of our needs? It's so easy to feel forgotten about, even though deep down, I know that I haven't been. That's just the human part of me, the selfish part that can think only of herself.

I ended up going through with the testing, hence the unexplained infertility diagnosis. It took some soul searching and praying for me to be able to make this decision. I just had to know. I'm extremely lucky that I have had some very supportive people in my life  to help me make that decision.

I'd like to end this blog post with a prayer. I'm not a pastor or a seminary student or anything closely related, so please bear with me.

Dear Jesus our Heavenly Father,
      You know my heart. You know every hair on my head, every thought I've ever had, or will ever have. You know, because you made me. I am not perfect, but I am perfectly yours. Help me, Lord.  Help me to stop doubting. Restore my faith that all will be well. It's so easy for us to get caught up in our problems, that we forget the big picture. Open my eyes, that I may see. I ask you to give me strength. I ask you to restore my hopes and more importantly, my faith. Help me to help others on their journeys. Lastly, help me to be the type of person that you want me to be.
In Jesus Holy Name I pray.

In Christian Love,
--J

Que Sera, Sera

This is me on the fence. Well, figuratively, not literally.  

After 18 months, i'm really undecided about the way that I should feel about this whole infertility thing. There is part of me that is still sad about what might never be and there is another part of me that has come to grips with it. Hearing of other's pregnancies used to send into fits of despair. I would hear/read about it on facebook and of course, it would just be absolutely devastating. Because of course, when you are trying to have a baby, everyone, (including the cat) are busy having babies but you. I mean, it even happened on my soap opera (twice!!) That particular episode was particularly devastating. I mean, this heifer didn't even know who the father was. The father ended up being her teenage love, which she only slept with one flipping time. But, I diverge.
    

 Once I decided it was time, and how it did is another story for a different day, it seemed like that was the only thing that was on my mind. I would see children and be so excited for when my new little bundle of joy would be here. At the time, I was subbing pretty regularly and would be at the elementary schools and see the little children and be able to pick out children that I thought would look like the children that Hubby and I would have together. I mean, it was serious.

After a couple of months though, I kind of became numb to these types of activities. I quit seeing my future children in everyone else's. I stopped expecting good things to happen that month and I started to be more realistic. I came to realize that whatever happens, I have to make peace with it.

At one point, babies were sooo cute and cuddly, and I was insanely jealous of those extremely pregnant women I saw in the commissary. I mean, everyone loves a pregnant woman, and most of them are so darn cute (almost as cute as their babies). Nowadays, I don't have the same type of reaction to small children. I could take 'em or leave 'em. I think this makes people think that I don't like children, which really is not the truth. Especially at first, if I happened to be invited to a  particular event, I heard things like "oh! There will be children there!!". My reaction : ok? What is my reaction supposed to be? Just because I don't have children, doesn't necessarily mean that I can't appreciate their cuteness. The two are not mutually exclusive. Again, I diverge.


I think I know that deep down, if I am never able to have my own children, that I will be ok with this. Because I have to be. 


Much love,
J

Socially Unacceptable

So i'm always on the lookout for signs and trying to derive meaning from what I see around me, especially in regards to my own life. Well, I got a sign the other day.  I"m a Damn Yankee ( someone who was raised in the North, visited the South, liked it and ended up moving there) and we are used to having a lot of geese be around in the summer months. If you paid attention in science class, you will remember that geese generally will stay in the Northern states for the summer, where it is more mild and will travel South for the warmer winters. Can't say I blame them there.  I happened to be visiting Ohio the other day and by chance, saw some geese flying, presumably South. It is February, so I was surprised by their presence. I was immediately reminded of the story that went around by email a few years, regarding geese and teamwork. If you can't remember, or didn't get the email,  here is a link to the gist of that particular email : Geese and Teamwork  

      Geese fly in formation (remember the V's you always see when they are passing by?) and the geese intrinsically know the best way to fly to ensure the survival of all of the geese.  My favorite part from this speech is in regards to the sick, injured or shot down geese. THESE were the geese that I happened to see out of window the other day who inspired me.  I saw three geese flying back to meet their V, honking all the way. I love the fact that God made nature the way he did, so that the hurt and down geese are supported and encouraged by the other members of the flock. What if humans were more like that?

       Infertility is still such a taboo subject. It's an uncomfortable topic, obviously one that doesn't make good dinner conversation and so inherently, it's one that's not talked about much.We should push for a change in society in which it became more socially acceptable to be childless (which this is already happening I feel like, yay!) but more importantly, to be empathetic towards these individuals, rather than judgemental.  I  have a feeling that many times, society will see a childless couple, and without realizing it, will immediately pass judgement on this couple's decisions. It's not always the couples fault.  (Think about it, have you ever thought you had it better/different/worse than a couple without children?)

 I have known very few people (women) who have been open about their infertility, but I do commend these women that have braved the stigma, and put their stories out there.  They are akin to the injured geese. These are the men and women we should be honking our support for, just like the geese.

I have really wrestled with the decision about linking this to my facebook page, because then potentially everyone will know that i'm "having issues". I took the geese sighting as a sign that I really did need to link my blog to my facebook page, to  reach more of an audience. In this brave step for me, please "honk" your support---pretend that I am an injured goose. I hope to be reaching others out there that may be going through the same issues. I would love to be your personal cheerleading committee.


Jen

Back Off Busybodies

I got to thinking about it the other evening as I was falling asleep (somehow that's when I get my best ideas, probably bc I'm finally relaxed) but I want to amend my Number one pet peeve regarding statements people make. I have tried to be very private in regards to this whole non- pregnancy thing, partly because I really don't want to hear everyone's opinions about it. I have known several women who casually mentioned they were trying to have a baby, and in came the influx of statements like " it will happen when it's time" and "God has a plan for you, try not to worry" or the worst offender of all "just relax, it will happen for you". I'm giving this a big fat UGH!!
I'm a Christian, I KNOW that God has a plan for me, your reminding me does not help at all. I have considered this, a lot. I have wondered all of the whys and what-ifs and have prayed about it too. Relax? How do you know if that particular person is relaxed or not? You are not in their head. I have been pretty relaxed about this whole thing, if you ask my opinion in the matter. I can't speak for others out there, and they may or may not tell you the same thing.
There have been several times in my life that I have impatiently waited for something to happen ( I.e flight school) and am glad that they didn't turn out exactly the way that I wanted. But I have to wonder about this. Is there something better for me out there that has prevented me from having a child? A job? The realization that I wouldn't want to be a stay at home Mom? Friendships? I can't know right now, it's all in God's plan for me.
I'm still maintaining some level of privacy with this whole thing.....I'm not linking it to my Facebook page. I don't think I'm ready to get the virtual "that poor girl is having trouble" look/ comments. I've seen it too many times to other friends. I think I said it one time to someone before I realized how unhelpful that is.
On that note, at what point is it ok to shut down the unsympathetic busybodies? And more to the point, how/ what do you say to someone without coming off as completely rude? I think people are generally well meaning souls and I wouldn't want to hurt someone's feelings, but people don't realize it hurts MY feelings. So if you happen to stumble on this blog and you accidentally ask a woman when she's going to have a baby and she flips out, it's probably my blog. I'm going to apologize in advance. ;)



Wishing you well,
No Baby Here

Say What?!

There is one article in particular on Shine! by Yahoo that I absolutely love. It's entitlted " Top 10 Things to NOT Say to the Childess."  I've stolen and shortened it (from Parents.com, hey I gotta give credit where it's due) and will add a couple of my own to the list at the end. Here is the link to the original article, complete with witty repartee.  Here is the link to that article if you want to see the original.

 What NOT to say
1. "When will you finally have kids?"
2. "We always wanted to have a family."

3. "I only invited other parents."

4. "Are you hung-over?"

5. "You're so lucky you get to sleep in/shop/travel."

6. "This must be birth control for you."

7. "Your dog/cat/parakeet is your baby."

8. "I can't die; I'm a mom."

9. "I'm sorry it's taken forever for me to call/email/text you back."

10. "You wouldn't understand."

Here are a couple that I have experienced in my current life:

11. "So you do WANT kids?" This is my number 1, absolute pet peeve of people that hardly know me.
What gets me about this one is the tone, and the level of increduality that goes with this. It must seem strange that a woman of my age (really, i'm only 28, but evidently I must look older than that) who has been married for 3.5 years doesn't have kids. It must seem like I really don't want to have children. I have yet to come up with a good response for this one. "Yes, i'm boinking my husband's brains out nightly but it just hasn't happened yet" is very tempting. But I like to think of myself as a classy individual, so I stick with the safe "maybe, someday" line. Lame, I know. I am welcome to suggestions of witty responses for that dreaded question.

12. "Baby On Board" signs in the back of cars. I really, really don't understand that one. Is that a sign for potential creepazoids to stay away from this car because you have a hormonal mother inside ready to pounce and claw to protect her young? Are you supposed to treat this car differently just bcause you have a baby inside? I drive daily, and my ultimate goal with driving, is to never get into an accident, ever, irregardless WHO/WHAT is inside that car. I mean really.

13. That stupid picture going around on Pinterest regarding stretch marks.  I can't find the url for the picture, but basically it says "My body is not ruined. I'm a GD tiger who has earned her stripes".  Well, good for you. I hate to tell lady, but there are plenty of people out there who have stretch marks, who don't have children.  Are we not tigers because we didn't give birth? Many people have dealt with yo-yo weight loss and gain, eating disorders or any other myriad of reasons why she may have quickly gained and/or lost weight. This one sentiment in particular makes me feel bad. Like, I haven't done anything worthwhile to earn the ravages my body has been through.  I want Mothers to be proud of what they have done for their children, because that is a big deal, but at the same time, it just kind of seems like a ploy to me.

14. Constant status updates about their child(ren) and everything wonderful they have done recently.  I may be a bit pessimistic tonight, but for some reason, these people don't seem to have any real depth to me. I know you are excited, but there are other topics out there besides your baby.

I'm sure there are more out there, as you may attest to. If you have any great comebacks, be sure to let me know, because i'm always in the market for some new ones!! :)

--J

You are not alone

"It is because of my wish to be helpful that I share my ideas and experiences; being helpful to even  one person is valuable"--The Dalai Lama


I have been dealing with unexplained infertility for a year and half now. 18 months. Some people will stop and consider just how quickly a year goes by....it seems like just yesterday that "xyz happened, blah blah blah".  Well, if you are a woman who can't have a baby, a year and half seems like you been climbing mountains forever.

I speak the lanaguage of TTC (Trying to conceive). I know what BFN and BFP are, who AF and DH are and when DPO and the dreaded 2WW occurs.  It should come natural to me ---> i'm an Army Wife and we are naturally very fertile plus our DH's speak in acronyms, so we should too ;)  . If you're like me though, I CAN'T STAND those message boards on TTC sites. I'm not sure what it is about those sites that annoys me, but I've just never been one of those crazy/I stand on my head after sex/oh my BBT is right we have to do it no matter where we are at/ Charlotte York types. Some of these women are like that, and i'm frankly not sure how you don't drive yourself crazy in the process! 

Back to it. We have been through every possible test that you can have, except for laproscopic surgery, and the result is "Unexplain Infertility". This is a blanket term for "you are not trying hard enough".  After thinking about it, i'm not sure which is worse, having something be wrong or having nothing at all be wrong. I'm a fixer. I like to fix problems that I see (almost to a flaw). It would have almost been easier if we had had some type of diagnosis for this and we could treat it. That would make me feel like that this wasn't our fault.   Husband feels the opposite He's glad there is nothing wrong with either of us and we can just keep at it. I know that I should be grateful for my health (at it's current state) and I am glad that I don't have to go through multiple, difficult and expensive treatments. But if you think about it, every month is difficult and could potentially be expensive. Here's why:

These women who stalk and obsess about the TTC message boards are those crazy sex-nazi types (which I am not). They will track their period and ovulation date (perfectly normal), do the dance and inordinate amount of times (perfectly normal), then go through the dreaded two week wait and will take pregnancy tests every 29th day (now's when you start bordering on obsessive, if you are not already there). If you didn't pay attention in high school biology, women's cycles are between 28-35 days. I would assume that most women have regular length of cycles (not me) and they can accurately predict their expected days of ovulation and/or use ovulation test kits. Their periods are due on approximately the 29th day. They get their HPT out hoping for a BFP (have you figured it out yet?) A big fat + is what they are waiting ever so patiently for. They spend hundreds of dollars on ovulation kits, pregnancy tests and eventually Clomid perscriptions as well. It's emotionally and financially draining and I feel like there is still a stigma for women to talk about their experiences with infertility. I'm that way, I will admit it. It's taken a lot of time and soul searching to decide if sharing my problems with the anoymous world is worth it. But I feel like if I can help/provide support for even one more woman or couple out there, it is all worth it. 

So here we are, 18 months later from where we started and still nothing. Luckily for me, I'm very tenacious and do not give up easily on other people or things changing. So I will continue my monthly struggle, with my head held high, trying not to let all the little things around me bother me.  After all, they didn't say it would be easy, but they did say it would be worth it --from Anoymous

Introduction

I'm pretty nervous about starting this. I'm generally a pretty private (some may call it guarded) person and I really learned that technique from my awesome husband. I used to pride myself on being like an open book, that if you wanted to know something about myself, then I would more than gladly tell you. I've definitely learned the art of discretion as I've gotten older.

There are some things that you can't un-see and others you can't un-know. So be warned, there could be things you will find out that you didn't want to know. My goal in all of this to be be a support system for any other woman or couple who may be going through the same thing as me.....unexplained infertility.