Timing

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile...I have been super busy with life recently and ended up having to go out of town to look for a house for when we move soon.

Having a baby is all about having good timing. Let's just be honest.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. I also believe in God's timing. I have no reason to doubt it either. I have had my fair share of mountains to climb in the past, but I have always been made better for it. At the time, I maybe didn't understand why things happened the way they did, but after awhile, I am so glad that they did.

It may seem unfair that I haven't been able to have a baby right away. But honestly, I'm really glad it hasn't happened in the past two years. The past two years have been super stressful for our little family (me and Hubby) and i'm so glad that I didn't put any additional pressure on him. Wanting to have a baby and actually having one are so completely different. Wanting one can wait. A baby in the middle of flight school cannot wait.  Right now, I might not know the true reason why i'm infertile, but maybe in time I will come to understand.

This isn't to say that I haven't had my doubts. I used to wonder what could be better than having a baby (?!) A job? New friendships? Weekends of pure fun that I couldn't ever get back? Well, in short, yeah.  I wouldn't trade the past two years of experiences for anything. Because now, I know that I don't want to be a stay at home Mom. I know that I want to keep working, to be able to afford a college education for my baby, or vacations to Europe that will expand their horizons. I can't replace Courtney (my best friend). Now someone will throw me a baby shower (eventually of course, thanks in advance Court!) and will be there for the birth/baptism of my baby. I had so many fun weekends at places like Club LaVela in Panama City Beach, going to a wedding of a dear friend from high school and several nights of Walleyball. I probably wouldn't have been able to do all of those things if I had a baby. How much different my life would be.

Being infertile is all about perspective. It's easy to get overwhelmed and to see all the negative parts of infertility. You've got to keep it in perspective. There is not to say that I will always have infertility either. I must remind myself of that as well.

People seem to think that reminding someone who is in any type of distress that "everything happens for a reason" and "it's all in God's timing" is a good idea. When your in the middle of the storm, it's really hard advice to hear (literally and figuratively).  It just takes time to clear the debris from the storm. Now, I feel like I am more open to sitting down and figuring out the next steps.  

I

Regrets

re·gret

v. re·gret·ted, re·gret·ting, re·grets

v.tr.

1. To feel sorry, disappointed, or distressed about.

2. To remember with a feeling of loss or sorrow; mourn.

v.intr.

To feel regret.

n.

1. A sense of loss and longing for someone or something gone.

2. A feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different.

I've been thinking about my life's decisions a lot recently. Probably because I went to another baby shower the other day. These things always make me a little sad.  I think I was the only woman there that didn't have kids!  I love supporting my friends as they have their baby showers, but it gets more difficult every time i'm at one. I have no birth stories to compare. I have no funny anecdotes to share with others about the cute stuff that my kid did. I'm actually kind of sad that someone didn't ask me if I had kids myself. Maybe they figured out by my silence on the matter. If they had, I might have pulled out of my "Childless Not By Choice" one liners. Like, "nope! I"m having 'problems.' " Heh.  Probably would have been awkward. Oh well.

I always was proud of the decisions that I made regarding my life. I can't regret the decisions that I have made, because at the time, they were the right ones (and don't read more into that than there really is). When we lived in Georgia, I wasn't ready to have kids. Just wasn't. I had always thought that I would get married, wait an indeterminate a couple of years and then have kids when we were both ready.  Well, I have fulfilled that to myself. But after moving here, all of the sudden, I feel like I didn't make any of the right decisions about children.

Everyone here (at this Army post) has children. I didn't immediately fit into any particular group, because I wasn't a prime candidate for play dates and children's birthday parties. I started regretting the decisions I had made! Now, let me reassure you, we had decided that we were ready to have kids before we moved to Alabama. The dynamic of this Army post just seemed to exacerbate the feelings.

I guess it started when I went to the grocery store and told Hubby to pick out the milk with the longest due date. Whoops. It was truely a Freudian slip. I didn't even realize it had been in the back of my mind and biology was taking over. Then, Hubby got accepted into his program and we got a date for when he was leaving. It really wasn't even an option then either. Initially, we had decided that after flight school would be a good time. After all, a pregnant wife takes a lot of attention, and we thought it was smart to not add any kind of stress/pressure during flight school.  At the time, I was teaching high school. That's when the baby question started coming out. "Mrs K....when are you going to have a baby?"  I was not prepared to answer that question at the time, now I've had a lot of practice. Then, the "you better hurry up. Your old. Your baby is going to come out all old and wrinkly". Really people, i'm not THAT OLD.

I know that deep down there is no way that we could have had a baby in our situation. We both worked full time, him working Nights-- 6 pm to 6 am, on two off two every other weekend- in a 2 bedroom 1 bathroom house, with no garage.  I know that for us, it worked out the way it was supposed to. So why now, am I starting to regret the decisions I made? I guess I feel like i'm being punished because I chose to wait. Like back in school, when you had a substitute teacher for the day and a couple of people in the class were bad so the substitute wrote down the class was horrible and so you got in trouble too? What am I really regretting though? Is it really that I didn't have a baby earlier or is it: The attention lavished on you when pregnant through strangers and friends and baby showers? Fitting into a group so our kids could play together? Getting it over with before I get too old? (Are you noticing a trend with this whole 'old' thing?)  The incredible experience itself?

I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and I don't think that people are intentionally trying to make me feel bad for any decisions I made. I certainly don't want anyone reading this to feel bad about the decisions that THEY made, or decisions that were made for them. That is not my intention. I don't want to say that I have regrets about this whole no-baby sooner thing, and I am glad for the way my life has turned out.  Honestly, I think i'm the most scared that I will wake up one day and never have gotten around to having babies, regret the decisions that I am making now.


Not sorry,
J

Doubt

WARNING! THIS COULD CONTAIN MOVIE SPOILERS!!


I know it's not my place to really question why things happen they way they do. I have to let the chips fall where they may. There are some things that I have no control over.  This is hard for my control-freak self to accept. I like to know the who/what/where/when/why of things. But having a baby is different. Babies don't come with instruction books. We can't know when our special little bundle of job will come, or what experiences it will bring us.
Let's be honest here. I've let a lot of self-doubt come into play for the past 18, going on 19 months. I can't help but feel scared and admittedly, a little sorry for myself. I'm worried. I've come up with a multitude of reasons of why I might not be able to have my own baby. My friend Megan says it best. Here is a link to her blog, that I follow. I particularly like this post, and feel it relates to what I want to say.  What Has The World Come To?

What if the reason I can't have a baby is because I'll be a bad mother? What if I do have a baby, and they end up being a sociopath? What if the baby I have kills someone?  Now, before you start laughing your head off at my silliness, think about it. If someone could accurately tell you the future, and they told you that your child would intentionally kill someone at a certain point, what would you do? Is this God's way of making that decision for me?  What if people who can't have children, are just sparing the world from bringing to it a truly evil person? 

Before you write me off as a complete nincompoop, hear me out. There are mothers to be that  were worried that they would have an ugly baby. These babies turn out to be most beautiful babies I have ever seen. Other Mom's to be, wonder what kind of mother they will be.  They turn out to be wonderful mothers.  Others have distinct dreams and specific requests regarding gender of the child and atheletic talents.  Isn't this line of question the same as these mothers to be?  I was worried about airing out my "dirty laundry" of concerns about 'ugly' babies, but don't all people at some point in their reproductive lives have these types of feelings and doubts?  Seems like it to me. I feel that I have a legitimate right to wonder why I have infertility.

My Hubby is a very noble person.  He's the type of person who would give the shirt off his back to a person if they really needed it. We saw Act of Valor this weekend. If you are a military spouse, please be advised that this is a difficult movie to watch. I knew there were real Navy SEALS who were the actors in this movie and there would be a lot of action and possible death. Basically, there is a CIA agent who is captured during a mission and the SEALS are called in to rescue her, and in doing so, uncover a more malevolent and devious terror plot arranged by some extremists. Of course, the SEALS are not authorized to go home yet and must take down the extremists before they can harm any more citizens of the United States. Well, in the final battle scene, a grenade is thrown. The SEAL who spots it yells "grenade!" and he lays on the grenade before it blows up, killing himself and sparing his fellow SEALS.. This just so happens to be the SEAL who left a pregnant wife at home. Cue tears.

I know my husband would do the same for the guys who goes to combat with, I have no doubt about that. I have doubts about myself.  I like to think that i'm a "fall on my sword" type of person, one to take one for the team. Am I already taking one for the team by not having a potentially harmful child?  Maybe I watch too many crime shows. The families of the victims are always crying out for justice for their lost child. What if my child even unintentionally takes the life of another, either directly or indirectly. I'm not sure I could handle it. I still to this day cannot watch Bambi because I know it will make me cry (the Mother dies remember and Bambi witnesses it?!)  I can't help that I am tender-hearted.

I"m just trying to make sense of everything that has happened, or not happened in this case. Do you think my concerns are legitimate or laughable?


--J