Regrets

re·gret

v. re·gret·ted, re·gret·ting, re·grets

v.tr.

1. To feel sorry, disappointed, or distressed about.

2. To remember with a feeling of loss or sorrow; mourn.

v.intr.

To feel regret.

n.

1. A sense of loss and longing for someone or something gone.

2. A feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different.

I've been thinking about my life's decisions a lot recently. Probably because I went to another baby shower the other day. These things always make me a little sad.  I think I was the only woman there that didn't have kids!  I love supporting my friends as they have their baby showers, but it gets more difficult every time i'm at one. I have no birth stories to compare. I have no funny anecdotes to share with others about the cute stuff that my kid did. I'm actually kind of sad that someone didn't ask me if I had kids myself. Maybe they figured out by my silence on the matter. If they had, I might have pulled out of my "Childless Not By Choice" one liners. Like, "nope! I"m having 'problems.' " Heh.  Probably would have been awkward. Oh well.

I always was proud of the decisions that I made regarding my life. I can't regret the decisions that I have made, because at the time, they were the right ones (and don't read more into that than there really is). When we lived in Georgia, I wasn't ready to have kids. Just wasn't. I had always thought that I would get married, wait an indeterminate a couple of years and then have kids when we were both ready.  Well, I have fulfilled that to myself. But after moving here, all of the sudden, I feel like I didn't make any of the right decisions about children.

Everyone here (at this Army post) has children. I didn't immediately fit into any particular group, because I wasn't a prime candidate for play dates and children's birthday parties. I started regretting the decisions I had made! Now, let me reassure you, we had decided that we were ready to have kids before we moved to Alabama. The dynamic of this Army post just seemed to exacerbate the feelings.

I guess it started when I went to the grocery store and told Hubby to pick out the milk with the longest due date. Whoops. It was truely a Freudian slip. I didn't even realize it had been in the back of my mind and biology was taking over. Then, Hubby got accepted into his program and we got a date for when he was leaving. It really wasn't even an option then either. Initially, we had decided that after flight school would be a good time. After all, a pregnant wife takes a lot of attention, and we thought it was smart to not add any kind of stress/pressure during flight school.  At the time, I was teaching high school. That's when the baby question started coming out. "Mrs K....when are you going to have a baby?"  I was not prepared to answer that question at the time, now I've had a lot of practice. Then, the "you better hurry up. Your old. Your baby is going to come out all old and wrinkly". Really people, i'm not THAT OLD.

I know that deep down there is no way that we could have had a baby in our situation. We both worked full time, him working Nights-- 6 pm to 6 am, on two off two every other weekend- in a 2 bedroom 1 bathroom house, with no garage.  I know that for us, it worked out the way it was supposed to. So why now, am I starting to regret the decisions I made? I guess I feel like i'm being punished because I chose to wait. Like back in school, when you had a substitute teacher for the day and a couple of people in the class were bad so the substitute wrote down the class was horrible and so you got in trouble too? What am I really regretting though? Is it really that I didn't have a baby earlier or is it: The attention lavished on you when pregnant through strangers and friends and baby showers? Fitting into a group so our kids could play together? Getting it over with before I get too old? (Are you noticing a trend with this whole 'old' thing?)  The incredible experience itself?

I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and I don't think that people are intentionally trying to make me feel bad for any decisions I made. I certainly don't want anyone reading this to feel bad about the decisions that THEY made, or decisions that were made for them. That is not my intention. I don't want to say that I have regrets about this whole no-baby sooner thing, and I am glad for the way my life has turned out.  Honestly, I think i'm the most scared that I will wake up one day and never have gotten around to having babies, regret the decisions that I am making now.


Not sorry,
J