Unfaithful

Google  "Bible verses about faith" and you get a whopping 59,900,000 results.  Google "Bible verses about infertility" and you get about 1,000,000. Big difference huh? I was somewhat expecting there to be zero matches, but hey, it's 2012 and everything is on the Internet now.  Being a bit of a gumshoe, I explored several of the websites that came up for both searches. The "Bible verses about faith"  websites were much more comforting and relevant than the "Bible verses about infertility" websites were.  

Throughout this 18-month journey, I've spent a lot of time thinking about my faith and my relationship with Jesus Christ. After a year of disappointments, I had the option to begin exploring the causes behind my infertility and possible treatments. Before and during the testing time, I felt still feel guilty about A. questioning when/if a pregnancy will happen for us, and B. my choice to engage in fertility medications and further testing.

As a practicing Christian, I feel like there are certain expectations of me. Being a faithful servant is one. In years of Sunday School, we are taught the basics like "love your neighbor as yourself", "ask and the door shall be opened unto you" and "remain ever faithful".  As we grow older and wiser, some of these become easier for us and others more difficult. Remaining faithful in tough times (particularly these) has been very difficult for me.  A common phrase that people give to women who want to have children (no matter where they are in their childbearing journey) is " Have faith. It will happen when it's time".  Easier said than done. I can talk the talk, but can I walk the walk? I'm afraid the answer is no. I lack the faith that I will ever be given the privilege of having children.

I guess the best way to say it, is that I feel like if I went through with the tests and the fertility meds, then I wasn't being a faithful servant or a good Christian role model. I didn't trust that everything would work out on it's own, without the aid of doctors and medications.  As Christians, aren't we supposed to always believe that God will take care of our needs? It's so easy to feel forgotten about, even though deep down, I know that I haven't been. That's just the human part of me, the selfish part that can think only of herself.

I ended up going through with the testing, hence the unexplained infertility diagnosis. It took some soul searching and praying for me to be able to make this decision. I just had to know. I'm extremely lucky that I have had some very supportive people in my life  to help me make that decision.

I'd like to end this blog post with a prayer. I'm not a pastor or a seminary student or anything closely related, so please bear with me.

Dear Jesus our Heavenly Father,
      You know my heart. You know every hair on my head, every thought I've ever had, or will ever have. You know, because you made me. I am not perfect, but I am perfectly yours. Help me, Lord.  Help me to stop doubting. Restore my faith that all will be well. It's so easy for us to get caught up in our problems, that we forget the big picture. Open my eyes, that I may see. I ask you to give me strength. I ask you to restore my hopes and more importantly, my faith. Help me to help others on their journeys. Lastly, help me to be the type of person that you want me to be.
In Jesus Holy Name I pray.

In Christian Love,
--J

Que Sera, Sera

This is me on the fence. Well, figuratively, not literally.  

After 18 months, i'm really undecided about the way that I should feel about this whole infertility thing. There is part of me that is still sad about what might never be and there is another part of me that has come to grips with it. Hearing of other's pregnancies used to send into fits of despair. I would hear/read about it on facebook and of course, it would just be absolutely devastating. Because of course, when you are trying to have a baby, everyone, (including the cat) are busy having babies but you. I mean, it even happened on my soap opera (twice!!) That particular episode was particularly devastating. I mean, this heifer didn't even know who the father was. The father ended up being her teenage love, which she only slept with one flipping time. But, I diverge.
    

 Once I decided it was time, and how it did is another story for a different day, it seemed like that was the only thing that was on my mind. I would see children and be so excited for when my new little bundle of joy would be here. At the time, I was subbing pretty regularly and would be at the elementary schools and see the little children and be able to pick out children that I thought would look like the children that Hubby and I would have together. I mean, it was serious.

After a couple of months though, I kind of became numb to these types of activities. I quit seeing my future children in everyone else's. I stopped expecting good things to happen that month and I started to be more realistic. I came to realize that whatever happens, I have to make peace with it.

At one point, babies were sooo cute and cuddly, and I was insanely jealous of those extremely pregnant women I saw in the commissary. I mean, everyone loves a pregnant woman, and most of them are so darn cute (almost as cute as their babies). Nowadays, I don't have the same type of reaction to small children. I could take 'em or leave 'em. I think this makes people think that I don't like children, which really is not the truth. Especially at first, if I happened to be invited to a  particular event, I heard things like "oh! There will be children there!!". My reaction : ok? What is my reaction supposed to be? Just because I don't have children, doesn't necessarily mean that I can't appreciate their cuteness. The two are not mutually exclusive. Again, I diverge.


I think I know that deep down, if I am never able to have my own children, that I will be ok with this. Because I have to be. 


Much love,
J

Socially Unacceptable

So i'm always on the lookout for signs and trying to derive meaning from what I see around me, especially in regards to my own life. Well, I got a sign the other day.  I"m a Damn Yankee ( someone who was raised in the North, visited the South, liked it and ended up moving there) and we are used to having a lot of geese be around in the summer months. If you paid attention in science class, you will remember that geese generally will stay in the Northern states for the summer, where it is more mild and will travel South for the warmer winters. Can't say I blame them there.  I happened to be visiting Ohio the other day and by chance, saw some geese flying, presumably South. It is February, so I was surprised by their presence. I was immediately reminded of the story that went around by email a few years, regarding geese and teamwork. If you can't remember, or didn't get the email,  here is a link to the gist of that particular email : Geese and Teamwork  

      Geese fly in formation (remember the V's you always see when they are passing by?) and the geese intrinsically know the best way to fly to ensure the survival of all of the geese.  My favorite part from this speech is in regards to the sick, injured or shot down geese. THESE were the geese that I happened to see out of window the other day who inspired me.  I saw three geese flying back to meet their V, honking all the way. I love the fact that God made nature the way he did, so that the hurt and down geese are supported and encouraged by the other members of the flock. What if humans were more like that?

       Infertility is still such a taboo subject. It's an uncomfortable topic, obviously one that doesn't make good dinner conversation and so inherently, it's one that's not talked about much.We should push for a change in society in which it became more socially acceptable to be childless (which this is already happening I feel like, yay!) but more importantly, to be empathetic towards these individuals, rather than judgemental.  I  have a feeling that many times, society will see a childless couple, and without realizing it, will immediately pass judgement on this couple's decisions. It's not always the couples fault.  (Think about it, have you ever thought you had it better/different/worse than a couple without children?)

 I have known very few people (women) who have been open about their infertility, but I do commend these women that have braved the stigma, and put their stories out there.  They are akin to the injured geese. These are the men and women we should be honking our support for, just like the geese.

I have really wrestled with the decision about linking this to my facebook page, because then potentially everyone will know that i'm "having issues". I took the geese sighting as a sign that I really did need to link my blog to my facebook page, to  reach more of an audience. In this brave step for me, please "honk" your support---pretend that I am an injured goose. I hope to be reaching others out there that may be going through the same issues. I would love to be your personal cheerleading committee.


Jen

Back Off Busybodies

I got to thinking about it the other evening as I was falling asleep (somehow that's when I get my best ideas, probably bc I'm finally relaxed) but I want to amend my Number one pet peeve regarding statements people make. I have tried to be very private in regards to this whole non- pregnancy thing, partly because I really don't want to hear everyone's opinions about it. I have known several women who casually mentioned they were trying to have a baby, and in came the influx of statements like " it will happen when it's time" and "God has a plan for you, try not to worry" or the worst offender of all "just relax, it will happen for you". I'm giving this a big fat UGH!!
I'm a Christian, I KNOW that God has a plan for me, your reminding me does not help at all. I have considered this, a lot. I have wondered all of the whys and what-ifs and have prayed about it too. Relax? How do you know if that particular person is relaxed or not? You are not in their head. I have been pretty relaxed about this whole thing, if you ask my opinion in the matter. I can't speak for others out there, and they may or may not tell you the same thing.
There have been several times in my life that I have impatiently waited for something to happen ( I.e flight school) and am glad that they didn't turn out exactly the way that I wanted. But I have to wonder about this. Is there something better for me out there that has prevented me from having a child? A job? The realization that I wouldn't want to be a stay at home Mom? Friendships? I can't know right now, it's all in God's plan for me.
I'm still maintaining some level of privacy with this whole thing.....I'm not linking it to my Facebook page. I don't think I'm ready to get the virtual "that poor girl is having trouble" look/ comments. I've seen it too many times to other friends. I think I said it one time to someone before I realized how unhelpful that is.
On that note, at what point is it ok to shut down the unsympathetic busybodies? And more to the point, how/ what do you say to someone without coming off as completely rude? I think people are generally well meaning souls and I wouldn't want to hurt someone's feelings, but people don't realize it hurts MY feelings. So if you happen to stumble on this blog and you accidentally ask a woman when she's going to have a baby and she flips out, it's probably my blog. I'm going to apologize in advance. ;)



Wishing you well,
No Baby Here

Say What?!

There is one article in particular on Shine! by Yahoo that I absolutely love. It's entitlted " Top 10 Things to NOT Say to the Childess."  I've stolen and shortened it (from Parents.com, hey I gotta give credit where it's due) and will add a couple of my own to the list at the end. Here is the link to the original article, complete with witty repartee.  Here is the link to that article if you want to see the original.

 What NOT to say
1. "When will you finally have kids?"
2. "We always wanted to have a family."

3. "I only invited other parents."

4. "Are you hung-over?"

5. "You're so lucky you get to sleep in/shop/travel."

6. "This must be birth control for you."

7. "Your dog/cat/parakeet is your baby."

8. "I can't die; I'm a mom."

9. "I'm sorry it's taken forever for me to call/email/text you back."

10. "You wouldn't understand."

Here are a couple that I have experienced in my current life:

11. "So you do WANT kids?" This is my number 1, absolute pet peeve of people that hardly know me.
What gets me about this one is the tone, and the level of increduality that goes with this. It must seem strange that a woman of my age (really, i'm only 28, but evidently I must look older than that) who has been married for 3.5 years doesn't have kids. It must seem like I really don't want to have children. I have yet to come up with a good response for this one. "Yes, i'm boinking my husband's brains out nightly but it just hasn't happened yet" is very tempting. But I like to think of myself as a classy individual, so I stick with the safe "maybe, someday" line. Lame, I know. I am welcome to suggestions of witty responses for that dreaded question.

12. "Baby On Board" signs in the back of cars. I really, really don't understand that one. Is that a sign for potential creepazoids to stay away from this car because you have a hormonal mother inside ready to pounce and claw to protect her young? Are you supposed to treat this car differently just bcause you have a baby inside? I drive daily, and my ultimate goal with driving, is to never get into an accident, ever, irregardless WHO/WHAT is inside that car. I mean really.

13. That stupid picture going around on Pinterest regarding stretch marks.  I can't find the url for the picture, but basically it says "My body is not ruined. I'm a GD tiger who has earned her stripes".  Well, good for you. I hate to tell lady, but there are plenty of people out there who have stretch marks, who don't have children.  Are we not tigers because we didn't give birth? Many people have dealt with yo-yo weight loss and gain, eating disorders or any other myriad of reasons why she may have quickly gained and/or lost weight. This one sentiment in particular makes me feel bad. Like, I haven't done anything worthwhile to earn the ravages my body has been through.  I want Mothers to be proud of what they have done for their children, because that is a big deal, but at the same time, it just kind of seems like a ploy to me.

14. Constant status updates about their child(ren) and everything wonderful they have done recently.  I may be a bit pessimistic tonight, but for some reason, these people don't seem to have any real depth to me. I know you are excited, but there are other topics out there besides your baby.

I'm sure there are more out there, as you may attest to. If you have any great comebacks, be sure to let me know, because i'm always in the market for some new ones!! :)

--J