Que Sera, Sera

This is me on the fence. Well, figuratively, not literally.  

After 18 months, i'm really undecided about the way that I should feel about this whole infertility thing. There is part of me that is still sad about what might never be and there is another part of me that has come to grips with it. Hearing of other's pregnancies used to send into fits of despair. I would hear/read about it on facebook and of course, it would just be absolutely devastating. Because of course, when you are trying to have a baby, everyone, (including the cat) are busy having babies but you. I mean, it even happened on my soap opera (twice!!) That particular episode was particularly devastating. I mean, this heifer didn't even know who the father was. The father ended up being her teenage love, which she only slept with one flipping time. But, I diverge.
    

 Once I decided it was time, and how it did is another story for a different day, it seemed like that was the only thing that was on my mind. I would see children and be so excited for when my new little bundle of joy would be here. At the time, I was subbing pretty regularly and would be at the elementary schools and see the little children and be able to pick out children that I thought would look like the children that Hubby and I would have together. I mean, it was serious.

After a couple of months though, I kind of became numb to these types of activities. I quit seeing my future children in everyone else's. I stopped expecting good things to happen that month and I started to be more realistic. I came to realize that whatever happens, I have to make peace with it.

At one point, babies were sooo cute and cuddly, and I was insanely jealous of those extremely pregnant women I saw in the commissary. I mean, everyone loves a pregnant woman, and most of them are so darn cute (almost as cute as their babies). Nowadays, I don't have the same type of reaction to small children. I could take 'em or leave 'em. I think this makes people think that I don't like children, which really is not the truth. Especially at first, if I happened to be invited to a  particular event, I heard things like "oh! There will be children there!!". My reaction : ok? What is my reaction supposed to be? Just because I don't have children, doesn't necessarily mean that I can't appreciate their cuteness. The two are not mutually exclusive. Again, I diverge.


I think I know that deep down, if I am never able to have my own children, that I will be ok with this. Because I have to be. 


Much love,
J