Google "Bible verses about faith" and you get a whopping 59,900,000 results. Google "Bible verses about infertility" and you get about 1,000,000. Big difference huh? I was somewhat expecting there to be zero matches, but hey, it's 2012 and everything is on the Internet now. Being a bit of a gumshoe, I explored several of the websites that came up for both searches. The "Bible verses about faith" websites were much more comforting and relevant than the "Bible verses about infertility" websites were.
Throughout this 18-month journey, I've spent a lot of time thinking about my faith and my relationship with Jesus Christ. After a year of disappointments, I had the option to begin exploring the causes behind my infertility and possible treatments. Before and during the testing time, I
As a practicing Christian, I feel like there are certain expectations of me. Being a faithful servant is one. In years of Sunday School, we are taught the basics like "love your neighbor as yourself", "ask and the door shall be opened unto you" and "remain ever faithful". As we grow older and wiser, some of these become easier for us and others more difficult. Remaining faithful in tough times (particularly these) has been very difficult for me. A common phrase that people give to women who want to have children (no matter where they are in their childbearing journey) is " Have faith. It will happen when it's time". Easier said than done. I can talk the talk, but can I walk the walk? I'm afraid the answer is no. I lack the faith that I will ever be given the privilege of having children.
I guess the best way to say it, is that I feel like if I went through with the tests and the fertility meds, then I wasn't being a faithful servant or a good Christian role model. I didn't trust that everything would work out on it's own, without the aid of doctors and medications. As Christians, aren't we supposed to always believe that God will take care of our needs? It's so easy to feel forgotten about, even though deep down, I know that I haven't been. That's just the human part of me, the selfish part that can think only of herself.
I ended up going through with the testing, hence the unexplained infertility diagnosis. It took some soul searching and praying for me to be able to make this decision. I just had to know. I'm extremely lucky that I have had some very supportive people in my life to help me make that decision.
I'd like to end this blog post with a prayer. I'm not a pastor or a seminary student or anything closely related, so please bear with me.
Dear Jesus our Heavenly Father,
You know my heart. You know every hair on my head, every thought I've ever had, or will ever have. You know, because you made me. I am not perfect, but I am perfectly yours. Help me, Lord. Help me to stop doubting. Restore my faith that all will be well. It's so easy for us to get caught up in our problems, that we forget the big picture. Open my eyes, that I may see. I ask you to give me strength. I ask you to restore my hopes and more importantly, my faith. Help me to help others on their journeys. Lastly, help me to be the type of person that you want me to be.
In Jesus Holy Name I pray.
In Christian Love,
--J
While I did not have the religious struggle you are having, we did have to hash out fertility treatments or not. We found out after 7 months of trying that I have PCOS. Andrew did not want to do fertility treatments because of his faith. I chose to because I felt that by using clomid it was not playing God, or messing with nature...but rather helping nature. It helped my body do what it was supposed to do. It took us 4 treatments, and suffered a loss.
ReplyDeleteFor me it was a decision on what treatments I thought were more "playing God" and which were just a way to help things.
Follow your heart. Trust yourself.
I am here if you need to talk, vent whatever.
Bonnie
Hey Jenna,
ReplyDeleteLove hearing about your faith! For me, the way I looked at it when I decided to use clomid was this...God provided doctors and researchers the tools to create this non invasive way to give me a chance to create life. Now, there were fertility treatments I wouldn't try because I felt guilty about 'playing God" when there were so many children that needed adopted (I actually just received some info from an adoption agency when I found out I was pregnant.) I do think God will always take care of our needs, but it's not always how we imagine (in hindsight, it's always better!