Doubt

WARNING! THIS COULD CONTAIN MOVIE SPOILERS!!


I know it's not my place to really question why things happen they way they do. I have to let the chips fall where they may. There are some things that I have no control over.  This is hard for my control-freak self to accept. I like to know the who/what/where/when/why of things. But having a baby is different. Babies don't come with instruction books. We can't know when our special little bundle of job will come, or what experiences it will bring us.
Let's be honest here. I've let a lot of self-doubt come into play for the past 18, going on 19 months. I can't help but feel scared and admittedly, a little sorry for myself. I'm worried. I've come up with a multitude of reasons of why I might not be able to have my own baby. My friend Megan says it best. Here is a link to her blog, that I follow. I particularly like this post, and feel it relates to what I want to say.  What Has The World Come To?

What if the reason I can't have a baby is because I'll be a bad mother? What if I do have a baby, and they end up being a sociopath? What if the baby I have kills someone?  Now, before you start laughing your head off at my silliness, think about it. If someone could accurately tell you the future, and they told you that your child would intentionally kill someone at a certain point, what would you do? Is this God's way of making that decision for me?  What if people who can't have children, are just sparing the world from bringing to it a truly evil person? 

Before you write me off as a complete nincompoop, hear me out. There are mothers to be that  were worried that they would have an ugly baby. These babies turn out to be most beautiful babies I have ever seen. Other Mom's to be, wonder what kind of mother they will be.  They turn out to be wonderful mothers.  Others have distinct dreams and specific requests regarding gender of the child and atheletic talents.  Isn't this line of question the same as these mothers to be?  I was worried about airing out my "dirty laundry" of concerns about 'ugly' babies, but don't all people at some point in their reproductive lives have these types of feelings and doubts?  Seems like it to me. I feel that I have a legitimate right to wonder why I have infertility.

My Hubby is a very noble person.  He's the type of person who would give the shirt off his back to a person if they really needed it. We saw Act of Valor this weekend. If you are a military spouse, please be advised that this is a difficult movie to watch. I knew there were real Navy SEALS who were the actors in this movie and there would be a lot of action and possible death. Basically, there is a CIA agent who is captured during a mission and the SEALS are called in to rescue her, and in doing so, uncover a more malevolent and devious terror plot arranged by some extremists. Of course, the SEALS are not authorized to go home yet and must take down the extremists before they can harm any more citizens of the United States. Well, in the final battle scene, a grenade is thrown. The SEAL who spots it yells "grenade!" and he lays on the grenade before it blows up, killing himself and sparing his fellow SEALS.. This just so happens to be the SEAL who left a pregnant wife at home. Cue tears.

I know my husband would do the same for the guys who goes to combat with, I have no doubt about that. I have doubts about myself.  I like to think that i'm a "fall on my sword" type of person, one to take one for the team. Am I already taking one for the team by not having a potentially harmful child?  Maybe I watch too many crime shows. The families of the victims are always crying out for justice for their lost child. What if my child even unintentionally takes the life of another, either directly or indirectly. I'm not sure I could handle it. I still to this day cannot watch Bambi because I know it will make me cry (the Mother dies remember and Bambi witnesses it?!)  I can't help that I am tender-hearted.

I"m just trying to make sense of everything that has happened, or not happened in this case. Do you think my concerns are legitimate or laughable?


--J